Friday, December 23, 2016

Cowardice

One resolution. To stop being a coward. Trying to face confrontation if it is for a better cause rather than running away. To have a closure to something. No more making others to do the dirty work. I guess being a grown up means to deal with things that you do not like. To make decision that may not be popular and even hurtful for yourself or someone you care about when you think that's the right thing to do.

I've been in an emotional roller coaster in the last two months. Making tough decisions that I knew disappoint people who are very dear to my heart. The thing about disappointment is that it is never a one-sided thing. It is like breaking a glass, all parties are left shattered. When I told my colleagues that I was going to move to another faculty, it was super hard since I knew what they expected from me. But I did what I thought was right and being able to explain to the person who has the expectation felt liberating. Having a sense of closure, to move forward to a different kind of relation. And finally, to experience that when people care about you, they want the best for you, with or without you in their lives.  


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

The Interview

"Why do you want to be a lecturer?"
"I know that I want to be a researcher since it allows me to explore new things and I like that kind of thing. Later, I start to enjoy presence of other people and to learn through interacting."
"Do not you think you are the one who should share the knowledge?"
"I am not sure I like the idea to have one-sided learning. I want to catalyze student to find themselves. I see the process of learning like cleaning a mirror, the more you study, the better you can understand yourself. "
"So why do you want to be in the university?"
"Because I met the nicest people there. When I graduated from my bachelor degree, I told my supervisor that maybe after hours of supervision, I would not use partial differential equation anymore. He said that all is fine as long that I am happy. In university, I met people who asked me what I want. It made me feel human. Being understood."
"You know that sometimes you have to face something that you don't want or like, right?"
"I know and when it happens, the worst possibility is to detach myself from the situation, but most of time, I prefer to negotiate and I think I am quite good with it."
"Because you are always being surrounded by nice people."
"Yes, and also because in the university, you are being expected to do the idealist thing, in contrast to politics or other jobs."

At the beginning of the interview, I felt nervous. The interviewer asked me to introduce myself and I did not know what was expected from self-introduction. I mentioned information of my identity card, name, birth date and all and felt super silly afterwards. But after several questions, I felt comfortable so I hope it was a good sign.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Taste of Light

April 2016
Writing Competition
The Prague writing competition is awarded to six persons based on the quality of their short story that engages with the theme 'Taste of Light'. The winners will receive a ticket, accommodation in a private house in Prague and an experience to join a writing retreat on April 2017. The deadline is September 30th, 2016 and the winners will be announced on November 1st, 2016.

November 2016
The Winners
  • Ivan Petrovich
  • Megumi Sato
  • Claire Malik
  • Sjoerd Romijn
  • Kinanti Sastranegara
  • Barindra Nag

Friday, December 09, 2016

Illusion

When you start to build a new relation with someone, you often fall for an illusion of what you want rather than what the reality is. You may even fall for the illusion of the man rather for the man. So maybe I better do a reality check before I get drown deeper and deeper. Trying to be more grateful rather than trying to chase something unreal. Or even better, start a writing project, a dream that has been postponed for far too long. Since illusion is better in fiction than in reality.

Thursday, December 08, 2016

Pemalu

Senin itu aku bertemu dengan guru SD yang menjadi wali kelasku selama 4 tahun. Beliau bilang, aku banyak berubah, dulu aku tak banyak bicara dan pemalu tapi sekarang tampil percaya diri di hadapan banyak orang. Pada saat aku bertemu dengan beliau, aku menjadi pembicara untuk workshop bagi guru-guru SD se-Tangerang Selatan. Menjadi pembicara dan pemalu mungkin memang jauh dari bayangan. Dan mungkin beberapa bulan lalu aku juga tidak bisa membayangkan berbicara di depan puluhan hingga seratus orang. Ada sebagian diriku yang masih merasa jengah di antara kerumunan. Namun seiring dengan berjalannya waktu dan kewajiban, aku mulai bisa berbicara di depan orang. Aku tak bisa bilang suka, hanya bisa. Mungkin itu salah satu arti menjadi dewasa, kau mulai melakukan hal-hal yang tak kau suka atas nama tanggung jawab dan profesionalisme, padahal yang sebenarnya kau inginkan adalah sembunyi di balik bantal.

Mungkin hal itu pula yang akhirnya membuatku memilih bendera putih. Aku tak punya energi untuk menciptakan pembicaraan manakala energiku telah habis untuk berbicara dengan beragam orang. Aku hanya ingin bercerita atau mendengarkan cerita, mengetahui apakah dia baik-baik saja. Tapi tampaknya itu mustahil.

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Lelah

"Kamu menyerah?"
"I don't know. I like him and I thought, it might work out. But I am not sure anymore. It takes two to tango so if the other person is not on the same page as me, I am out."
"Kamu ngga mau berusaha lebih, being the proactive one?"
"Aku kehabisan energi. I am not the most talkative person and facing someone who does not even try to create a conversation, wore me out."
"Are you sure that you have already moved on from the previous one?"
"Well, if you are asking about a rebound than the answer is no since I did what I thought was right. But at the beginning, I did looking for a replacement to fill in the void. That's why nowadays I choose to take things slow and try not to make initial contact. If it meant to be than be it, but if it is not, I am fine with it as well."

Thursday, December 01, 2016

Waktu

Ia tahu dengan berjalannya waktu, ia akan baik-baik saja. Tapi entah kenapa waktu seolah berjalan terlalu lambat. Ia pernah terikat pada sebuah ritual dan meski ia menerima alasan mengapa ritual itu tak perlu lagi ada, ia tak bisa mengenyahkan rasa kosong yang ditimbulkan oleh ketiadaannya. Ia terlalu terbiasa dengan semuanya hingga ia lupa bagaimana untuk melakukan semuanya sendiri.

De-taming

"... What does that mean-- 'tame'?" asked the Little Prince. "It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. ...