Thursday, September 13, 2018


Mengembalikan blog ke tema lama. Mau menampilkan komentar terakhir tapi tidak ada fungsi bawaannya, harus manual dan aku lupa bagaimana caranya. Jadi aku biarkan saja. Kadang sederhana lebih bermakna karena tidak redam oleh keriuhan gambar yang tampaknya menjadi fokus tema kontemporer sedangkan aku lebih senang bercerita. Untuk gambar aku lebih memilih instagram. Mungkin tautan nama untuk kawan juga sudah banyak yang tidak aktif. Mungkin aku akan singgah dan menghapus tautan yang sudah tak aktif.

Ternyata blog tautan kawan yang masih aktif hingga tahun 2018 tinggal satu. Yang lain terhenti hingga tahun 2016, 2012, 2008 bahkan 2005. Beberapa tautan sudah tidak aktif, entah karena hostingnya sudah tutup atau dihapus oleh pemiliknya. Bagi blog yang tidak diperbaharui waktu seolah berhenti.

Sunday, September 02, 2018


"Jadi apa yang kamu cari?"
"Somebody who can complete me .."
"Come on, be serious."
"I am serious. I want someone who can protect me since I always lacking on that department, who are true to his words and appreciate little things like water falling from the sky, cats on the street, things that allow me to contemplate how small we are in this universe."
"You read too much books."
"Is reading a crime?"
"No it's not but you make the searching difficult."
"How about the last time?"
"Well, it's over. It did not work out for whatever reason and I already accept it."
"And now you are open for a new relation?"
"Yes, hypothetically. The thing is I don't know where to start and what to do."
"What about the guys?"
"That is another thing. I am bad with strangers. I always feel that I am being expected to do something that I am not able to. And I am quite good with reading emotion ... After that I use to end up with hating myself."
"Going for the traditional route?"
"Yes, I am thinking to do it again. Probably, I was not ikhlas the last time since I was expecting someone else. Maybe, I sabotage the process by being insincere."
"I hope it will work this time."
"Thanks. Whatever the result is I want to do the right thing and I believe the right process will lead to the best result whatever it is."

Tuesday, July 17, 2018


It takes two to tango ... if someone does not share the same interest as you, the dance will fall apart or worse, you will get hurt.

One of the hardest thing of drifting apart is to find a new attachment that works on different terms. Sometimes, you failed to see the reality since you were still acting like you used to be. You know that nothing would emerge from this but you were still enjoying the moment, refusing to see the new term. Fortunately, your partner could not meet the last relation you and he has, sharing stories.

Suddenly, you realize that you and him stand on a different term and you don't want anything to do with him anymore.

Sunday, July 01, 2018

The Extra Mile

The difference between good and great is the extra mile. Doing things even when it is not requested  because you care. So when people asked why would I spent my time in the academia even without certainty, the answer is because I met people who go the extra mile for me in this institution (although mostly abroad so probably I am looking at the wrong country). One of the sweet things that my supervisor did is reading my blog and came into my office to ask whether I was okay. While the blog is meant to be public, I did not expect him to read it and to react upon it. Of course there is a relation between someone's condition and her/his progress, but usually, one's condition is her/his own responsibility. As an adult, you are expected to figure it out for yourself. So when someone breaks those walls between what should be done or what could be done, it always feels nice.

What makes people want to go for the extra mile? Being a nice person is one answer. Another answer is because you believe that things can go well if you have good intention. While the sarcastic side of me believe in the saying 'the road to hell is paved with good intention', the bright side of me believe that people tendency is to be good. So if there is an opportunity to make everything right, why not go for the extra mile? To make everyone around you happy because you can. 

I still remember in one of our first supervision meeting, my supervisors asked me what I want for my research. My answer was to understand how the world works, why people do things as they do. Both of them laugh and said, it is a never ending quest. Well, not surprisingly, they are right, after I finished my PhD, I have not figured out why things work as it is. 

Not sure where life will brings me but one thing for sure, I want to be passionate about what I am doing and go for the extra mile because I care.

Sunday, May 20, 2018


"... What does that mean-- 'tame'?" asked the Little Prince.
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince. 
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..." 
The next day the little prince came back. "It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..." 

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince. "Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

(Taken from The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry)

De-taming means to create a routine to detach; to get use to the idea of separation and to be stranger to one another. Similar to the idea of taming, de-taming takes time and routine.

While initially I thought total detachment is necessary to move forward, later I realized that it only kept the separation unreal. There were too many what ifs that made me wonder about what went wrong while in reality there was nothing I could do to make it right. Through de-taming, I am able to reduce the emotion and to accept the change of status of our relationship. 

Sunday, April 29, 2018


Dasar bawang,
Kau membuatku menangis lagi semalam
Pada pahit zaitun dan bawang yang menghitam
Pada rautmu ketika mencicip rasa
Pada ingatan yang menolak lupa


One of the peculiar things of being an introvert is difficulty to invite new people to enter your life. You have a certain decency to be polite to random people but what truly matters are the ones who have capture your heart. People who have been with you through bad and good times. Having people saying 'I love you' without really knowing them thus felt strange since you have a different way of falling for someone. For you falling is about finding the right rhythm, of finding the balance that actually works for both sides, of accepting one's beauty but also their scars, of being vulnerable since falling means their pain also become yours. 

Wednesday, April 18, 2018


The first phase of dealing with the end of something is always the hardest. You still function somehow, but your heart like to play a trick on you. 
You go to the bookstore, electronic center and the grocery store but suddenly going alone seems to be too lonely for you. 
You already accept the result, you even start to add new color in your life, but you are not sure whether this is what you want. 
Everything seems too perfect and you are not use to perfection. Perfection does not feel human and a cold feeling start to creeping on your spine.
Maybe, this is the time for a new beginning. To find a new place and routine, to reset the self by meeting new people.