Saturday, March 21, 2015

Match making

A relative offered me to match me with his other relative and I freaked out. Although I only experienced it once, at least that one felt almost normal. It did not suffocate me like I felt when I read my relative's message about bringing the man into my house. Minor detail: the feeling was not mutual. So there it is, my love to French tragic ending turned into reality.

“We are all a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love” -- Dr. Seuss

Saturday, February 28, 2015


Pelajaran hari ini: film Korea tidak baik bagi orang jomblo

Monday, February 23, 2015


I am wondering whether agency, as the ability to change a state of affairs, is a good thing. Yesterday while looking for a novel, I found my mathematics final project. I amazed on how the book was mostly consist of formulas, with acknowledgement longer than the introduction and conclusion (since basically I only need to say QED). I even managed to write a book about numbers, have one citation for the math book and write a popular writing about mathematics in a local newspaper. So why did I change my discipline? Why path dependency did not work for me?


Tak sengaja aku membuka kembali lembaran lama. Buku tugas akhir yang berada di rak buku orang tuaku. Dan tanpa bisa kucegah kenangan mengalir kembali. Terutama ketika aku membaca lembaran terimakasih. Aku tak berani membuka buku tesis, takut akan menemukan namamu juga di sana. Ada kenangan yang lebih senang kututup rapat. Dan lucunya ketika aku memposting deretan formula di laman facebook, aku jadi teringat kata-kata pembimbingku untuk selalu mengikuti kata hati. Mendadak hari ini ia muncul di departemen untuk berbincang dengan kolegaku dan mendadak aku diminta mengerjakan persamaan diferensial.

Saturday, February 14, 2015


Move on is about forgetting things you did not experience with somebody else. The more memories you crafted the more difficult you forget. It is about laughing something that only both of you knows.

Tuesday, February 03, 2015


Talking in codes again
It sucks to be away ...

Monday, January 19, 2015

Devils in Details

It's annoying to hear someone say he likes me because I am nice. It's not that I don't like to be seen as nice but rather because I need more than that. Something like being able to spell my name correctly or things as simple as putting some thoughts of what I like or dislike. I have people around me who care about what I like and dislike through two different approaches. One remembered what my routines are and the other asked why I kept saying no to coffee. Earlier I like the first more than the latter. I like having someone who I can share my space with without words. But these days I prefer the latter. I like to change my mind and by asking and acknowledging the process, I can understand my self better and the other person can get the bigger picture of me.

But there are people who even don't bother to care to pay attention or to ask. No wonder there are many cliche stories of a woman break up with someone after asking a question: what is my favorite color?

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Individual Agencies

"... the notion of individual agency denotes a course of action (engaging a large number of heterogeneous entities participating in the action) which is imputable to an individual since the actors themselves are led (or channelled by the arrangement) to consider the individual to be the source of the action" (Callon, 2008:37).

Callon uses the notion of individual agencies not to replace the notion of distributed agency (e.g. Callon, 1998; Callon & Law, 1995) but rather to accentuate the imputing activities by other actors. As an illustration, he uses an example of a supermarket customer where the calculation to choose a specific cheese refers to her assessment. In making the assessment, she is being affected by price tag, packaging, shopping cart, etc. These devices contribute in shaping her decision and thus, in actor-network theory terminology, they have agency (as being able to make difference to state of affairs of the customer to buy and not to buy). Individual agency refer to activity of calculating based on actors' assemblage.

So here I am as an individual agency calculating my assemblage. I get bored with revising Chapter 1 since the PhD assemblage feels far away. The good thing is that my colleague involved me in a project using system dynamics and tight schedule usually gives me a sense of order and motivation. Latour (1992? in Monsters) argues that technology is society made durable. Durability of a particular configuration is determined by the activity of loading. To make the hotel customer to follow an order to return hotel key to the receptionist, the manager 'loads' the hotel key with a metal weight. For me, this process of loading refers to debate partner to keep me entertained. Currently, I am keeping debate partner through different forums, which makes my mind even more divergent.  So I dropped this strategy.

But does it mean I don't have an individual agency since my durability to focus on something is driven mostly from my assemblage? I am going to answer this question by reflecting on my conversation with my math supervisor. When I finished my final project, I told him that probably I am not going to do math anymore. He said that I can do whatever I like as long it makes me happy. And now I am involved in system dynamics, which is closer to my math background since it is built on differential equation. Somehow, I enjoy being in this type of science again. Does it verify that I don't have any agency since even when I said I won't do math again, math continuously intersects my life?

C'est la vie