Thursday, December 08, 2016

Pemalu

Senin itu aku bertemu dengan guru SD yang menjadi wali kelasku selama 4 tahun. Beliau bilang, aku banyak berubah, dulu aku tak banyak bicara dan pemalu tapi sekarang tampil percaya diri di hadapan banyak orang. Pada saat aku bertemu dengan beliau, aku menjadi pembicara untuk workshop bagi guru-guru SD se-Tangerang Selatan. Menjadi pembicara dan pemalu mungkin memang jauh dari bayangan. Dan mungkin beberapa bulan lalu aku juga tidak bisa membayangkan berbicara di depan puluhan hingga seratus orang. Ada sebagian diriku yang masih merasa jengah di antara kerumunan. Namun seiring dengan berjalannya waktu dan kewajiban, aku mulai bisa berbicara di depan orang. Aku tak bisa bilang suka, hanya bisa. Mungkin itu salah satu arti menjadi dewasa, kau mulai melakukan hal-hal yang tak kau suka atas nama tanggung jawab dan profesionalisme, padahal yang sebenarnya kau inginkan adalah sembunyi di balik bantal.

Mungkin hal itu pula yang akhirnya membuatku memilih bendera putih. Aku tak punya energi untuk menciptakan pembicaraan manakala energiku telah habis untuk berbicara dengan beragam orang. Aku hanya ingin bercerita atau mendengarkan cerita, mengetahui apakah dia baik-baik saja. Tapi tampaknya itu mustahil.

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Lelah

"Kamu menyerah?"
"I don't know. I like him and I thought, it might work out. But I am not sure anymore. It takes two to tango so if the other person is not on the same page as me, I am out."
"Kamu ngga mau berusaha lebih, being the proactive one?"
"Aku kehabisan energi. I am not the most talkative person and facing someone who does not even try to create a conversation, wore me out."
"Are you sure that you have already moved on from the previous one?"
"Well, if you are asking about a rebound than the answer is no since I did what I thought was right. But at the beginning, I did looking for a replacement to fill in the void. That's why nowadays I choose to take things slow and try not to make initial contact. If it meant to be than be it, but if it is not, I am fine with it as well."

Thursday, December 01, 2016

Waktu

Ia tahu dengan berjalannya waktu, ia akan baik-baik saja. Tapi entah kenapa waktu seolah berjalan terlalu lambat. Ia pernah terikat pada sebuah ritual dan meski ia menerima alasan mengapa ritual itu tak perlu lagi ada, ia tak bisa mengenyahkan rasa kosong yang ditimbulkan oleh ketiadaannya. Ia terlalu terbiasa dengan semuanya hingga ia lupa bagaimana untuk melakukan semuanya sendiri.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Snowman

When you miss spring
And you are tired with the cold

When you are a fool to even consider to make a snowman moves

When burning the bridge seems like the most logical step

Delete contact

Sunday, November 20, 2016

De-human

"Life is what happens to you while you are busy playing with your gadget"

I am wondering since when I start getting attached to hand phone. My supervisor used to complain about me not bringing hand phone. There was even a period when I did not have an active number. The thing was at that time, I have many better things to do than doing something with my phone. Gardening, cooking, going to the gym, cycling, walking, getting lost in the city, finishing the English section from the city library.

The thing about gadget is that it change the way you interact with people. Whenever you have a gathering, rather than looking the other person in the eye, you talk while your eyes are on the phone. You also start to have a different perception on time. If initially waiting for a letter or a once per week phone call is sufficient, nowadays, hours with no contact become too long.


Saturday, November 19, 2016

Insecure

Creating a new relation makes you wonder whether you are good enough, whether the other person shares the same feeling as you or not. The same thing goes for break ups. Once things go down you start to ask yourself about what went wrong, on whether you are worthy for the other person or not. However, what if the answer lies not on the past, but rather on the future or the absence of it. In this case, being in the same phase of life and having a shared value become critical. You need a dose of compatibility and after that, it is a matter about intention and will to make it work. Friction is part of life, so the question is not about finding the right fit through years of dating, but rather to work around it. In a way, this is about value, things you consider more important in life. 

I still cannot imagine living apart from my other half. Having kids with one of the parents being constantly away. Probably, I should not overthink this matter alone. 

Friday, November 18, 2016

Do'a

Not sure whether this is the right do'a, but this is one of my favorites

اللهُمَّ أَرِنَا الحَقَّ حَقّاً وَارْزُقْنَا التِبَاعَةَ وَأَرِنَا البَاطِلَ بَاطِلاً وَارْزُقْنَا
اجْتِنَابَهُ، بِرَحْمَتِكَ يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِينَ. 

Dear Allah, please show me what is haq and ways to follow it and please show me what is bathil and ways to avoid it.

If he will make me closer to You, then please make it easier, but if he won't, please don't let this feeling grow stronger.