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Showing posts from 2015

Crowd

The strange thing of being in the crowd is that you can be perfectly invisible. No one will notice you. Or when interaction happens, you can hide yourself by asking questions. By doing it, you will shift the focus from you to them. Things are simpler for short relation. You do not have the background or historical burden. You can just be whoever you want to be. An identity that will last only for two days or more but again that temporary identity is part of you. 

Flaw

I think one of my biggest flaws is having a high degree. It keeps people away, or if I want to make it more specific, it brings men away. There, I said it. Even if I do not care about people's degree, it matters for men or their parents. To be fair, what important for me is not other's degree but rather their perspective on co-management and later on, co-parenting. I do not appreciate views about kids is for mother and not for father. Cleaning the house is for woman and not for man. So if finding a man who accept woman with higher degree is already difficult, adding it with equality doubles the difficulty.

In a way, this is about culture. When I was leaving abroad, it easy to find men taking care of their kids without having women in sight or doing household activities. I also have female friends who has higher degree than men. In Indonesia, it is quite rare to have these situations.

Being a PhD candidate allows me to do things that I love. It is not a matter of smart or not. …

Review: The Little Prince

“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” (the Little Prince) went on.
(The Little Prince and wild roses, Saint-Exupery)

The movie is beautiful by itself, but it is empty. I do not feel attached to the movie as I attach to the book. While the movie addresses the issue about grown-ups as Saint-Exupery, it fails to maintain the satirical tone of the book. Probably what troubles me the most is the movie interpretation about resistance. The movie interprets resistance through the little girl's actions to break her schedule and to play with her neighbor despite her mother's warning. In the book, the Little Prince interprets resistance through disbelieving. There was no direct confrontation between the …

Culture Shock

... is when good intention rubs you the wrong way
When loving someone is easier through distance
When you can compare one to the other
And you miss the other terribly

So yes, I have not contacted the person regarding an opportunity in the campus. I hate the unstructured mechanism. I hate the being nice part without knowing what they will say behind your back. I try to just experience not to be judgmental but I am not sure that I like the experience.

Him

If there was a slight interest
Why not bother to say hey
Instead, you only watched me from afar
Left me wondering in the dark

Maybe I am the one to blame
Too shy to even smile or to say hey
Not sure what to say
And left you with an impression that I did not care

Negativity

If you cannot cut negativity out of people
then probably you can cut yourself away from them

If reality does not work
then probably your image will do the trick

Of loving someone from distance
rather than having someone rubbing you the wrong way

Of being invisible through listening
since no one care to remember

Of what you like or dislike
or that you are more than a degree

Why do people need to show off?
Why they need to proof something to another human?

And they say that they are doing it for You

Safe

There are people who you know you are going to be okay with
People who you know you can count on
People who you do not have to worry
Not because they do not have trouble
But because they will tell you the truth
No matter what

I think ...
I still miss that simplicity
A life to call my own
To breath in certainty
To decide who I really am
And to be happy for simple things

Mantra

Aku
ingin
lupa

Writer's Block

Belakangan ini tiap kali membuka layar Word, pikiranku menjadi kosong. Kata-kata menolak untuk keluar meski ide tampak lalu lalang dalam kepala. Ketika aku paksa, kata-kata itu menolak untuk merasa nyaman. Menciptakan kalimat-kalimat yang terasa janggal dan tak enak untuk dibaca. Kadang orang tak mengerti kalau menulis merupakan proses kreatif. Berorientasi hasil tanpa peduli proses. Mungkin karena itu aku merasa nyaman di perguruan tinggi karena mereka mengerti atau bersama seniman karena mereka tahu ada hal-hal yang tidak bisa dipaksa.

Gilang

I pick my poison and it's you 
Nothing could kill me like you do...
(Rita Ora, Poison)

Tanpa sadar ia sudah memainkan lagu itu selama satu jam. Pertemuan itu tak seharusnya menjadi serius. Salah satu kegiatan acak yang ia lakukan untuk membunuh waktu di sela agenda kerjanya yang gila. Ia tak seharusnya memiliki perasaan sekuat ini. Tidak untuk seseorang yang hanya dikenalnya selama tak lebih dari satu jam. Kemala. Nama yang tak pernah ada di dalam hidupnya hingga kemarin. Namun kini segala hal kecil mengingatkannya pada perempuan itu. Hujan. Senja. Asa. Tak seharusnya pertemuan seartifisial speed dating membicarakan hal-hal nyata. Sekarang semuanya sudah terlambat. Ia tak bisa berhenti tersenyum. Dan berharap.

Five

It only takes five hours
to fall hard

Two weeks have passed

But the memories of you
refuse to fade away

Pengembara

Salah satu hal yang menyenangkan dalam mengembara adalah keterbukaan
Kau tak bisa yakin akan sesuatu karena semuanya baru
Kau akan dipaksa untuk melakukan segalanya dengan perlahan karena kau tak tahu rupa biasa
Kau akan menahan diri karena kau tak mau membuat orang lain tersinggung
Dan dalam ruang yang melambat itu, kau bisa menemukan dirimu yang lain
Kau dan cerita tentang lalumu yang berliku
atau cintamu pada buku

Lost Stars

"Lost Stars" (performed by Adam Levine)
Please don't see Just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies Please see me Reaching out for someone I can't see
Take my hand, let's see where we wake up tomorrow Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand I'll be damned, Cupid's demanding back his arrow So let's get drunk on our tears
And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run Searching for meaning But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?
Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy? Woe is me If we're not careful turns into reality
But don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer Turn the page, maybe we'll find a brand new ending Where we're dancing in our tears
And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run Searching for meaning But are we al…

Kemala

Kemala mengedarkan pandangan. Susunan tempat duduk di restoran itu telah diubah agar tiap meja memiliki dua kursi. Ia menarik napas dalam-dalam, tidak tahu apakah ia harus mulai gugup atau menyuruh persona korporasinya mengambil alih. Persona yang mampu mengantarkannya pada kontrak jutaan dollar. Rapuh atau tangguh, ia belum memutuskan.
"Malam, Miss. Silahkan menuliskan nama di sini." sapa seorang gadis muda usia pertengahan dua puluhan di meja pendaftaran sambil menyerahkan lembar tata cara speed dating kepada Kemala. "Malam. Terimakasih," gumam Kemala. "Silahkan duduk di sana sambil membaca tata caranya. Acara akan dimulai setengah jam lagi," ujar gadis itu.
Setidaknya ada waktu setengah jam untuk melarikan diri dari sini, pikir Kemala dalam hati. Namun segera ia tepis pikiran itu dan mulai membaca kertas yang diserahkan gadis itu. Acara itu dihadiri oleh 15 perempuan dan 15 pria. Tiap orang akan diberi kesempatan untuk berbincang selama 5 menit dengan …

Nol

'And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.' (Alchemist - Coelho)

Mungkin kau adalah salah satu perwujudan semesta untuk menyapaku. Mengatakan aku akan baik-baik saja di ruang yang terkadang masih asing. Kau dan lalumu. Keindahan yang memiliki beragam rupa. Dan tentang identitas yang senantiasa dipertanyakan ulang. Pencarian untuk kembali. Menuju titik nol.

Banyu

Pagi itu Banyu mengirimkan pesan singkat kepada Kemala tentang obrolannya dengan Rana menjelang tidur kepada Kemala. Tentang janji Banyu untuk mengenalkan Kemala pada seseorang. Dalam satu dekade irisan kehidupan mereka, Banyu tahu mengenalkan Kemala pada seseorang tanpa aba-aba hanya akan berakhir dengan petaka. Ia menghargai Kemala bukan saja sebagai teman Rana tapi juga seseorang yang ia pedulikan. Ia mengajak Kemala untuk bertemu di cafe.

"Hai La," sapa Banyu sambil memeluk Kemala singkat.
"Mau pesan apa?"
"Biasa, salad ikan dan air mineral," jawab Kemala sambing nyengir.
"Ok, aku juga seperti biasa. Nasi oncom."

Sambil menunggu pesanan mereka datang, Kemala mendengarkan cerita Banyu tentang keinginan Rana.

"Kamu ingin aku bagaimana La? Meski aku sudah janji pada Rana, aku tidak akan melakukan apapun yang tidak akan membuatmu nyaman," ujar Banyu.
"Thanks, Banyu. I am sorry you have to be in the middle of this."

Kemala dan…

Banyu

"Mas, aku khawatir dengan Kemala."
"Aduh Yang, kita kan sudah membahas ini berulang kali."
"Iya mas, aku tahu. Tapi tetap saja aku khawatir."
"Jadi kamu mau aku gimana?"
"Kenalkan Kemala pada seseorang."
"Oke, nanti mas coba pikirkan ya."
"Jangan cuma dipikirkan saja. Dicari ya mas," ucap Rana dengan wajah manis yang selalu ia keluarkan ketika menginginkan sesuatu.
"Iya, iya," balasku sambil mengacak-acak rambutnya. Gemas,

Tiap kali ia melakukan hal itu, aku tahu aku telah kalah dalam pertarungan. Pertanyaannya siapa yang harus aku kenalkan pada Kemala? Banyu telah mengenal Kemala selama 10 tahun. Sejak ia mulai pacaran dengan Rana. Dalam kurun waktu itu, ia telah beririsan dengan pria-pria pengagum Kemala dan juga Rangga. Ia menyukai Rangga sebagai teman. Seseorang dengan nilai-nilai yang ia kagumi. Karena itu ketika Kemala dan Rangga putus, ia juga merasa kehilangan. Rana tak pernah memintanya untuk memi…

Rana

"Kamu menyesal?" tanya Rana pada Kemala.
"Well, aku tidak akan menyebutnya sebagai penyesalan Ran. Aku percaya segala sesuatu yang terjadi untuk sebuah alasan. Dan meski kadang aku suka memutar ulang kenangan itu, tidak ada episode yang ingin aku ubah."
"Jadi sekarang kamu mau apa?"
"Seperti biasa Ran. Hidup. Mengikuti kata hatiku dan jujur pada diriku sendiri."
"Itulah yang membuatku khawatir, La. Kamu seolah tidak memiliki tujuan padahal ..."
"Stop it Ran. I don't want you to judge me like everybody else."
"Sorry, La. I am just worried. You'll forgive me right?"
"I know you meant well. And I love you for that but I don't think I'll survive if you start to ask me as well, while sometimes I am not sure about myself anymore."
"Okay, let's change the subject then. Gimana proyekmu di Bali? Aku dengar kamu diberi kebebasan untuk menentukan konsepnya ya?"

Rana lega mendapati wajah …

Introvert

Is it legal to be an introvert in Indonesia? When things go wrong, people use to say 'please be more considerate, maybe the person has a problem' or 'you have to understand people better.' Why is it always about pleasing others for the sake of being polite or being younger? Sometimes I am just so freaking tired of the pretending collective community, while in the reality it is mostly about 'look at me' and 'please like my post.' In certain degree, it fits me well since most people like to talk about themselves rather than listening and thus, it is easy to be invisible. But sometimes I miss being asked about what I want or what I think.

Dreamer

I live mostly by following my heart. I have change my interest(s) number of time and this tendency may not end in the near future. As somebody once told me, it is okay to change interest as long that I am happy. Does it mean I have no ambition? The thing is I do not think ambition is the right notion. What important is to do things right. Since I want to be in the academia, I want to have nice publications and ecosystem that can challenge me. On the other hand, I am very much a development scholar. It is important to be connected to change (or in most cases, policy makers). Sometimes balancing the two means having a messy schedule and interacting with people that can give me headache, which absorb my happiness. 
Does it mean I have to detach my heart with the current interests and find something more fun?

Kemala

"Apakah kamu bahagia?"
Kemala terdiam mendengar pertanyaan itu. Ia menemukan bahwa ia mudah sekali bahagia untuk hal-hal kecil. Kucing liar di jalan, senyuman orang di kereta pagi ataupun bos yang baik hati. Tapi tak jarang ia merasa dunia ini begitu muram. Segala hal yang ia lakukan berada di tempat yang tidak semestinya dan ia mengambil banyak keputusan yang kemudian disesalinya. Ia merasa hampa tanpa adrenalin yang memacunya untuk mencapai sesuatu.

Ia tahu hidup ini bukan tentang adrenalin dan kepuasan ketika berhasil mencapai sesuatu tapi tentang keseimbangan. Tapi kata-kata selalu lebih mudah daripada kenyataan.

Irama

Kadang sesuatu bukan mengenai benar atau salah,  tapi mengenai irama Tentang bagaimana kau bisa berjalan bersama tanpa membuat yang lainnya resah Tentang minum kopi sekali sehari atau menuangkan pikiran lewat ilustrasi Senang karena saling memahami

Why

Our paths need to intersect if there would be nothing between us Do you have to act like you care while you never bother to say hey
That same post Maybe it was nothing

Kemala

"Rangga ..."
"Eh Kemala, apa kabar? O iya perkenalkan ini istri saya, Kinanti"
"Kinan," ucap gadis berambut panjang itu sambil menjabat tangan Kemala.
"Mala," balas Kemala.

Kemala terus memutar adegan tadi siang. Ia merasa bodoh. Tak seharusnya ia menyapa Rangga. Tidak tanpa seseorang di sisinya. Tidak karena ada perempuan lain di samping Rangga. Tidak karena merasa terlihat sangat bahagia bersama. Seharusnya ia diam saja tadi siang tapi mulutnya bereaksi lebih dahulu dari otaknya.

Ia bodoh. Titik.

Malam

Malam yang tak pekat Gelap yang tak  lelap Resah yang tak kunjung enyah Entah
Aku tak tahu apakah irisan pernah ada atau hanya sebuah imaji fana Hingga akhirnya tiada Ditelan sang kala

Dia

... mengetahui ada seseorang yang menemanimu bekerja
di ruang berbeda
saat mentari tak lagi ada
rasanya menyenangkan
aku suka dengan caranya yang biasa
masuk tanpa paksa



Oma

It has been two years or less since I slept in your room. I tried to avoid entering it since I wanted to savor the feeling of you being around. Sleeping here after you were gone awakening the sadness that I want to avoid. I miss you ... and although I know that insyaAllah you are in a better place, I feel a bit empty, especially since we used to sleep together.

Why

... don't we try to work it out?

Lalu

Bertemu dengan lalu itu ... menarik
Ada beragam kenangan terpantik
Kisah saat lalu itu masih kini
Dengan hiruk pikuknya sendiri
Tahun pertama kuliah
Berisisan dengan ragam pemikiran
Kepingan-kepingan yang menyusun kini

Match making

A relative offered me to match me with his other relative and I freaked out. Although I only experienced it once, at least that one felt almost normal. It did not suffocate me like I felt when I read my relative's message about bringing the man into my house. Minor detail: the feeling was not mutual. So there it is, my love to French tragic ending turned into reality.

“We are all a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love” -- Dr. Seuss

Jomblo

Pelajaran hari ini: film Korea tidak baik bagi orang jomblo

Agency

I am wondering whether agency, as the ability to change a state of affairs, is a good thing. Yesterday while looking for a novel, I found my mathematics final project. I amazed on how the book was mostly consist of formulas, with acknowledgement longer than the introduction and conclusion (since basically I only need to say QED). I even managed to write a book about numbers, have one citation for the math book and write a popular writing about mathematics in a local newspaper. So why did I change my discipline? Why path dependency did not work for me?

Kepingan

Tak sengaja aku membuka kembali lembaran lama. Buku tugas akhir yang berada di rak buku orang tuaku. Dan tanpa bisa kucegah kenangan mengalir kembali. Terutama ketika aku membaca lembaran terimakasih. Aku tak berani membuka buku tesis, takut akan menemukan namamu juga di sana. Ada kenangan yang lebih senang kututup rapat. Dan lucunya ketika aku memposting deretan formula di laman facebook, aku jadi teringat kata-kata pembimbingku untuk selalu mengikuti kata hati. Mendadak hari ini ia muncul di departemen untuk berbincang dengan kolegaku dan mendadak aku diminta mengerjakan persamaan diferensial.

Style

Move on is about forgetting things you did not experience with somebody else. The more memories you crafted the more difficult you forget. It is about laughing something that only both of you knows.

Distance

Talking in codes again
It sucks to be away ...

Devils in Details

It's annoying to hear someone say he likes me because I am nice. It's not that I don't like to be seen as nice but rather because I need more than that. Something like being able to spell my name correctly or things as simple as putting some thoughts of what I like or dislike. I have people around me who care about what I like and dislike through two different approaches. One remembered what my routines are and the other asked why I kept saying no to coffee. Earlier I like the first more than the latter. I like having someone who I can share my space with without words. But these days I prefer the latter. I like to change my mind and by asking and acknowledging the process, I can understand my self better and the other person can get the bigger picture of me.

But there are people who even don't bother to care to pay attention or to ask. No wonder there are many cliche stories of a woman break up with someone after asking a question: what is my favorite color?

Individual Agencies

"... the notion of individual agency denotes a course of action (engaging a large number of heterogeneous entities participating in the action) which is imputable to an individual since the actors themselves are led (or channelled by the arrangement) to consider the individual to be the source of the action" (Callon, 2008:37).

Callon uses the notion of individual agencies not to replace the notion of distributed agency (e.g. Callon, 1998; Callon & Law, 1995) but rather to accentuate the imputing activities by other actors. As an illustration, he uses an example of a supermarket customer where the calculation to choose a specific cheese refers to her assessment. In making the assessment, she is being affected by price tag, packaging, shopping cart, etc. These devices contribute in shaping her decision and thus, in actor-network theory terminology, they have agency (as being able to make difference to state of affairs of the customer to buy and not to buy). Individual agen…

Mint

"Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ." (Fox to Little Prince, Saint-ExupĂ©ry)

People say the first three months are the hardest. And here I am still missing Eindhoven very much. On Saturday, I bought mint plant in the open market to my house. I thought it would be nice to be able to drink mint tea with honey again. But then I remembered you and our community garden, an escape space every time I fed up with writing, a sanctuary. I missed our simple talk without any digital device.

I think I miss simplicity. Using digital device for working and a small amount of television not for the life itself. And here I am in a place where people gather in one physical space but with disconnected minds.

Refleksi Tahun ke-6

Memasuki tahun keenam PhD dan mulai merasa seperti berada dalam perjalanan tanpa ujung ....

Perjalanan ini dimulai 3 Desember 2009 silam. Pada saat itu aku sudah sempat bekerja enam bulan di Jakarta. Periode yang memantapkan diriku kalau kerja kantoran bukan untukku dan mungkin Jakarta juga kota yang bisa membuatku bahagia. Dengan pemahaman itu, aku mulai berburu sekolah dan beasiswa. Saat itu pilihannya adalah Australia (biofuel dengan menggunakan ANT), Inggris (ICT4D dan ANT) dan Belanda. Dari beberapa kali iterasi email, akhirnya pilihanku jatuh pada Belanda.

Apakah PhD memiliki korelasi dengan kecerdasan? Buatku PhD lebih berkorelasi dengan passion. Sama seperti nilai-nilaiku yang seperti roller coaster kadang mendapat nilai tertinggi tapi tak jarang berada di kuartir terendah. Semuanya tergantung mood. Dan di tahun keenam PhD ini tentu saja mood-ku sudah awut-awutan ditambah pembimbing yang entah ada di mana.

Untuk menjaga mood, aku melibatkan diriku dengan beragam diskusi di int…