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Showing posts from 2016

Cowardice

One resolution. To stop being a coward. Trying to face confrontation if it is for a better cause rather than running away. To have a closure to something. No more making others to do the dirty work. I guess being a grown up means to deal with things that you do not like. To make decision that may not be popular and even hurtful for yourself or someone you care about when you think that's the right thing to do.

I've been in an emotional roller coaster in the last two months. Making tough decisions that I knew disappoint people who are very dear to my heart. The thing about disappointment is that it is never a one-sided thing. It is like breaking a glass, all parties are left shattered. When I told my colleagues that I was going to move to another faculty, it was super hard since I knew what they expected from me. But I did what I thought was right and being able to explain to the person who has the expectation felt liberating. Having a sense of closure, to move forward to a dif…

The Interview

"Why do you want to be a lecturer?"
"I know that I want to be a researcher since it allows me to explore new things and I like that kind of thing. Later, I start to enjoy presence of other people and to learn through interacting."
"Do not you think you are the one who should share the knowledge?"
"I am not sure I like the idea to have one-sided learning. I want to catalyze student to find themselves. I see the process of learning like cleaning a mirror, the more you study, the better you can understand yourself. "
"So why do you want to be in the university?"
"Because I met the nicest people there. When I graduated from my bachelor degree, I told my supervisor that maybe after hours of supervision, I would not use partial differential equation anymore. He said that all is fine as long that I am happy. In university, I met people who asked me what I want. It made me feel human. Being understood."
"You know that sometimes …

Taste of Light

April 2016 Writing Competition The Prague writing competition is awarded to six persons based on the quality of their short story that engages with the theme 'Taste of Light'. The winners will receive a ticket, accommodation in a private house in Prague and an experience to join a writing retreat on April 2017. The deadline is September 30th, 2016 and the winners will be announced on November 1st, 2016.
November 2016 The Winners Ivan PetrovichMegumi SatoClaire MalikSjoerd RomijnKinanti SastranegaraBarindra Nag

Illusion

When you start to build a new relation with someone, you often fall for an illusion of what you want rather than what the reality is. You may even fall for the illusion of the man rather for the man. So maybe I better do a reality check before I get drown deeper and deeper. Trying to be more grateful rather than trying to chase something unreal. Or even better, start a writing project, a dream that has been postponed for far too long. Since illusion is better in fiction than in reality.

Pemalu

Senin itu aku bertemu dengan guru SD yang menjadi wali kelasku selama 4 tahun. Beliau bilang, aku banyak berubah, dulu aku tak banyak bicara dan pemalu tapi sekarang tampil percaya diri di hadapan banyak orang. Pada saat aku bertemu dengan beliau, aku menjadi pembicara untuk workshop bagi guru-guru SD se-Tangerang Selatan. Menjadi pembicara dan pemalu mungkin memang jauh dari bayangan. Dan mungkin beberapa bulan lalu aku juga tidak bisa membayangkan berbicara di depan puluhan hingga seratus orang. Ada sebagian diriku yang masih merasa jengah di antara kerumunan. Namun seiring dengan berjalannya waktu dan kewajiban, aku mulai bisa berbicara di depan orang. Aku tak bisa bilang suka, hanya bisa. Mungkin itu salah satu arti menjadi dewasa, kau mulai melakukan hal-hal yang tak kau suka atas nama tanggung jawab dan profesionalisme, padahal yang sebenarnya kau inginkan adalah sembunyi di balik bantal.

Mungkin hal itu pula yang akhirnya membuatku memilih bendera putih. Aku tak punya energi un…

Lelah

"Kamu menyerah?"
"I don't know. I like him and I thought, it might work out. But I am not sure anymore. It takes two to tango so if the other person is not on the same page as me, I am out."
"Kamu ngga mau berusaha lebih, being the proactive one?"
"Aku kehabisan energi. I am not the most talkative person and facing someone who does not even try to create a conversation, wore me out."
"Are you sure that you have already moved on from the previous one?"
"Well, if you are asking about a rebound than the answer is no since I did what I thought was right. But at the beginning, I did looking for a replacement to fill in the void. That's why nowadays I choose to take things slow and try not to make initial contact. If it meant to be than be it, but if it is not, I am fine with it as well."

Waktu

Ia tahu dengan berjalannya waktu, ia akan baik-baik saja. Tapi entah kenapa waktu seolah berjalan terlalu lambat. Ia pernah terikat pada sebuah ritual dan meski ia menerima alasan mengapa ritual itu tak perlu lagi ada, ia tak bisa mengenyahkan rasa kosong yang ditimbulkan oleh ketiadaannya. Ia terlalu terbiasa dengan semuanya hingga ia lupa bagaimana untuk melakukan semuanya sendiri.

Snowman

When you miss spring
And you are tired with the cold

When you are a fool to even consider to make a snowman moves

When burning the bridge seems like the most logical step

Delete contact

De-human

"Life is what happens to you while you are busy playing with your gadget"

I am wondering since when I start getting attached to hand phone. My supervisor used to complain about me not bringing hand phone. There was even a period when I did not have an active number. The thing was at that time, I have many better things to do than doing something with my phone. Gardening, cooking, going to the gym, cycling, walking, getting lost in the city, finishing the English section from the city library.

The thing about gadget is that it change the way you interact with people. Whenever you have a gathering, rather than looking the other person in the eye, you talk while your eyes are on the phone. You also start to have a different perception on time. If initially waiting for a letter or a once per week phone call is sufficient, nowadays, hours with no contact become too long.


Insecure

Creating a new relation makes you wonder whether you are good enough, whether the other person shares the same feeling as you or not. The same thing goes for break ups. Once things go down you start to ask yourself about what went wrong, on whether you are worthy for the other person or not. However, what if the answer lies not on the past, but rather on the future or the absence of it. In this case, being in the same phase of life and having a shared value become critical. You need a dose of compatibility and after that, it is a matter about intention and will to make it work. Friction is part of life, so the question is not about finding the right fit through years of dating, but rather to work around it. In a way, this is about value, things you consider more important in life. 
I still cannot imagine living apart from my other half. Having kids with one of the parents being constantly away. Probably, I should not overthink this matter alone.

Do'a

Not sure whether this is the right do'a, but this is one of my favorites

اللهُمَّ أَرِنَا الحَقَّ حَقّاً وَارْزُقْنَا التِبَاعَةَ وَأَرِنَا البَاطِلَ بَاطِلاً وَارْزُقْنَا اجْتِنَابَهُ، بِرَحْمَتِكَ يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِينَ.
Dear Allah, please show me what is haq and ways to follow it and please show me what is bathil and ways to avoid it.

If he will make me closer to You, then please make it easier, but if he won't, please don't let this feeling grow stronger.

Summer

"Some people are meant to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together" (500 Days of Summer)

Kemala

"Kamu berubah La. Kamu jadi lebih serius memandang hidup, tak lagi membiarkan semua mengalir."
"Salahkah itu Ra?"
"Ngga ada yang salah. Hidup ini pilihan. Mungkin ini tanda kamu makin dewasa."
"Aku masih sempat berharap kalau aku membiarkan semuanya mengalir, aku akan baik-baik saja. Tapi pada akhirnya aku lelah Ra. Aku berada pada satu titik aku takut pada perasaanku sendiri hingga pilihannya adalah memformalkan rasa itu atau membiarkannya pergi."
"Dan kau membiarkannya pergi?"
"Iya, aku tak bisa melihat masa depan dengannya. Dan ketika aku membaca diariku rupanya aku tak pernah yakin dengannya. Aku sedih Ra, tapi somehow, aku lega. Aku tahu aku membuat keputusan yang tepat. Mungkin karena itu kamu melihat aku berubah, aku jadi lebih tegas."

Deja vu

"Kenapa lo tutup teleponnya?" "Gw ngga tahu harus ngomong apa tapi tadi dia yang mengangkat." "Dia bilang apa?" "Hallo ...," jawab Kirey. "Suaranya manis banget, La." "Yeah, right. Dan abis itu lo tutup" "Oh ayolah La, senang sedikit dengan kebahagiaan orang." "Iye, iye ... gw bahagia."
Dan kini waktu kembali mempertemukan mereka.
"Kamu mau aku jemput?" "Mau :)"

Head Over Heels

Twenty years with no contact Yet seeing him again felt familiar

Titik

.

Entangled

X : How to entangle one's name with another?
Y : Getting married?
X : Nope, you do not have to go that far, writing a paper together is a lot easier.
Y : Scholar %$#@!

Carpe Diem!

"So how are you doing?" "I am fine, I guess. Living the moment, while I can. Met old friends, a bit lost in nostalgia. But that's how life goes, is not it? Constantly sad when you have to say goodbye to someone who is very close to your heart until you no longer know what sadness means." "How about the future?" "At first, I was thinking to settle or at least, to have a plan on what I am going to do for the coming years. But now, I do not care anymore. Continuing it if I feel like it, ending it if I am not. Keeping all options open."

Pessimist

“You dream about your sheep and the Pyramids, but you’re different from me, because you want t realize your dreams. I just want to dream about Mecca. I’ve already imagined a thousand times crossing the desert, arriving at the Plaza of the Sacred Stone, the seven times I walk around it before allowing myself to touch it. I’ve already imagined the people who would be at my prayers we would share. But I’m afraid that it would all be a disappointment, so I prefer just to dream about it.” — Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist, p.57 The downfall of being a pessimist is that you constantly imagine the worst. When something good happen, you see it as an exception and if something bad happen, your pessimism kind of get a validation and you go deeper into the darkness. Of course, you have a dream but then again, you do not belief that it may come true, so rather than working on it, you prefer to dream about it. Idealizing the ideal, without trying to make it real.

Zero Sum Game

"But what if everything follows a zero sum game, it is either all or nothing?"
"Do you really believe in that?"
"I do not know. I really want to believe the opposite but sometimes, it is just so freaking difficult. He does not live nearby, he is not the romantic type, he never walks me home and we never talk about the future. I think I am done."
"So that's it?"
"Yeah, I don't think it's going to work."

5 Minutes

The seminar was almost started when he came in and took an empty seat next to me. He put his pen and his note book on the desk and listened to the presenter. His silence broke when he asked about how an universal model can accommodate Indonesian diversity. That was when I started to pay a better attention at him. Wavy hair, eyeglasses, a batik shirt and a dark pant. We talked for a bit before many people came to him. He gave me his phone number.

Mirror #2: A Girl and the Postman

"Do you want to have a coffee?" I blurted out.
"What did you say?" asked the postman surprised.
"I wonder whether you want to stay for a bit for a coffee," I continued with a stronger voice. I was not sure back then but after repeating the offer, the question sounded right. I met the postman more often than the postcard man and somehow, the postman started to become like a friend. A familiarity that emerged through seeing each other, even only though distance.

The postman looked a bit hesitant before he nodded. "I only have 6 letters left. I can stay for a bit."

It was strange to invite a stranger to your place. But is the postman a stranger I wonder. Probably, he was the only person who knew my obsession with the postcards. I told my friends that I have stopped expecting them but I could not. Only the postman knew the truth. A kind of a secret pact between me and him. No one knew and since he was half a stranger, I felt it was easier to talk to…

Mirror #1: A Girl and the Postman

She was standing next to the gate when I passed her house. White dress, messy blonde hair and an unreadable face. She reminded me of an actress from a black-white movie: sad and melancholic. The weather seemed to complete the picture, a bit cloudy and windy. I wished I could cheer her up a bit but somehow, the picture did not look right. Having her smiling was like having a color in a black and white movie.
"Do you have a postcard for me?" she asked. A tone that I recognized as a combination of hope and despair.
I handed her the postcard that she asked and then suddenly, her expression changed. Her blue eyes were getting darker before tears emerged from the corner of her eyes.
"Thank you," she said with a trembling voice.
I stood there. I wanted to comfort her, saying things that could bring the tears away but I was not sure she would expect me to do it. Our interactions were strange. After couples of polite greetings, we started to have deeper conversation. I knew…

Secret

ste·ga·no·graph·y
the practice of concealing messages or information within other nonsecret text or data
(Google)

The funny thing about a secret is that you want the right person to decode it. You hide it on a false date, a kind of steganography that may disguise others. But when no one notice the brilliant of it, you feel disappointed. There are traces, algorithm over algorithm, which allow you to find the real messages. However, there is a possibility that you get lost along the journey. You start to see the disguise as the real thing and you are no longer sure between the medium and the message.


Kay

Kay membiarkan kopi hitamnya dingin. Rasa pekat yang biasanya membuat ia bersemangat, kini terasa terlalu menyengat. Pahit. Perasaan yang juga ia rasakan terhadap Kala, pria yang belakangan ini menjadi mimpi buruknya. Ia ingin pria itu bahagia tapi tidak dengan mengorbankan kebahagiannya sendiri.

Beberapa muda-mudi mengambil meja dekat Kay duduk. Ia memandang arlojinya, angka pendek mendekati angka 5, waktu orang-orang keluar kerja. "Mungkin aku harus mulai beranjak," pikir kay dalam hati. Ia tak pernah menyukai keramaian meski kadang ia suka bersembunyi dalam keramaian itu. Berada dalam kerumuman manusia untuk larut dalam pikirannya sendiri. Ia suka memandangi manusia. Menculik secuplik adegan dari apa yang ia lihat untuk kemudian menggubahnya dalam dunia imaji. Ia ingin semua orang bahagia, tapi entah kenapa ia merasa tertekan.
"Sudah mau beredar lagi Kay?" sapa Bagas ketika Kay membereskan laptop metaliknya. "Yep, memberi ruang bagi pelanggan kamu selanjutn…

Insecurity

The thing about feeling insecure is you try to detach yourself from being involved. The more you like something or somebody, the more you feel the urge to create the detachment.

So then why not go with someone who offered you certainty?

Kemala

Belum sempat ia mengaduk-aduk tasnya untuk mencari bolpen, Rangga menyodorkan bolpennya. Kemala mengambilnya, menuliskan sebait kalimat dan mengembalikannya pada Rangga tanpa saling menatap. Keduanya tersenyum. Kemala merasa pipinya menghangat. Entah kenapa, Rangga seolah tahu apa kebutuhan Kemala tanpa ia harus meminta. 
'Darn you memory, why do you keep on repeating the good bits?'

Why

I thought I could put an end since it felt complicated
Distracting my self with work and friends
so I could stop missing him and stop sending him messages
But why I felt happy when I talked to him?
Why my gloomy day became bright, only because of him?

Expiry Date

I do not realize that our agreement has an expiry date but apparently it has
I start to see you in my friends' page and maybe, it is about time
It is funny that this month is July
Years ago I mixed it with June

City

Image
If you stay in one place, would it be easier to call a particular place: home, a place that will give you a warm feeling of belonging, of being part of something? Being a gypsy allows you to travel to many places in the world, intersect your life with others' who do not share similar beliefs, culture and tradition. At the same time, you feel that all of you are the same human being. Sometimes you communicate not through words but through smiles or gesture, a universal language that can either make or brake you.

I still remember my experience being in the police station in Turkey airport due to lack of dollar. The police was amused by the immigration office who did not accept euro but then accompanied me to go to the nearest ATM. We have to pass several guards and it felt cool to have a personal bodyguard.

An old man in an onyx shop who gave me a present because he saw me as a family.

A lady in a hotel in Nanjing who always tried to serve me even when it was not necessary or when i…

Flowers, Closure and Friendship

If only ...
One can choose to whom they fall
Then maybe ...
The flowers may blossom into one's heart

Unfortunately, we are not living in the world of ifs and maybes. I even do not know whether I can still see you as my friend. When you did not acknowledge my space, I do not know whether we have anything left. I want you to be happy, to be loved by someone who love you the way you do. But now the words do not even sound sincere anymore.


The Materiality of Love

"It is easy to accept one's bright side, but would you able to accept his dark side as well? Chemistry is not only about having butterflies in your stomach, but it is also about being able to accept things that make you uncomfortable while making the other part comfortable. There is no perfect match."
"Probably because you do not look hard enough."
"Do you have someone that you love deep enough but you cannot stand to be around them for a long period?"
"Yeah, I get your point. You may fall to the idea to have someone who understand you, but you must remember that both of you are different persons that do things differently. You may like to go to parties while the other likes to be at home. You may be very organized while the other likes to throw things whenever s/he finds an empty space. You may expect the other to do things that s/he dislikes or the other way around, you may be disappointed since the other has a different style of doing things t…

It's Complicated!

"What do you want? By doing this you may end up hurting many people. Please be firm on what you want."
"Can you be nice to me?"
"With that look you can even ask me to jump from a cliff for you. Do you want me to console you or do you want me to be objective, something that you are lacking these days?"
"I want you to fix my messy life."
"You already know the answer, you just do not want to follow it."
"Yeah, I know. It is just so bloody hard."
"But that's the thing about you. Life comes to you easily. You never apply for a job, there were many people who protected you whenever you made a mistake. You broke up with someone but you can easily find someone else."
"Are you saying that I am spoiled?"
"No, not really. I am just saying that you have particular ways of doing things; ways that invite people to act in certain ways toward you. You may dislike some of them but you have to understand that you c…

Koma

"Mengapa kini berbeda dengan 8 tahun lampau?" "Karena tak ada titik. Dulu aku tak membiarkan koma itu tercipta. Ketiadaan yang aku tak tahu harus aku syukuri atau sesali." "Dan sekarang ketika ada koma, kau bahagia?" "Entahlah, mungkin aku membuat kesalahan besar dengan menciptakan koma. Jeda itu tercipta karena ada kesempatan, dan ketika mulanya aku menginginkan titik dan mengubahnya menjadi koma, akan ada hal-hal yang terusik."

Craving

Since creating an algorithm takes time, it is better to find a shortcut ... A real human being who can fill the void.

Karma (2)

You may have reciprocal love but somehow, your relationship does not work. The universe intersects your paths when both of you are on different stages of life. You may love someone but you love yourself more; you have things that you want to do for yourself before you want to entangle your life with someone else. It is not a matter of compromise or fighting; it is really about finding yourself. Even it means to let go the other person and breaks your own heart as consequence. At the same time, the other person wants to settle down and since you were no longer in the picture, done it without you as the spouse.
Once, I was the former. I had my personal dreams and I broke up with someone who I thought would always be in my life. Today, I am the latter. I want to settle down, while the person I am in love with want to pursue his dreams. Another end, which allows me to have a closure for the first end.


Karma

Hari ini aku membaca tulisannya,
perasaan menyengat yang dulu kadang singgah sudah tak ada
Mungkin mantra sang waktu telah bekerja
Tak ada lagi kita diantara aku dan dia
Semua runyam ketika kau berbicara tentang taman
Segala kenangan yang telah tertidur seolah menemukan ruhnya kembali
Taman adalah dia. orang yang mengajariku untuk melawan penjahat kelabu
Dan rupanya kau mengenalnya dengan cukup baik

Rumah

"What do you want?" "A place to call home." "Can you be less cryptic about it?" "Aku lelah berpetualang, aku ingin berlabuh. Di sisi lain, kalau pada akhirnya aku memutuskan untuk berlabuh, aku ingin untuk sesuatu yang tepat. Aku tak mau lagi mendapati kasurku kosong atau rumah yang terlampau hening. Aku juga tak mau menghadapi tangisan anak-anak sendirian. Kalau pada akhirnya aku harus melakukan semuanya sendiri, aku lebih memilih hidup sebagai gipsi. Seizing the day, loving as many people as I can and moving on." "And that is what you are going to do if you don't find the right fit, moving on?" "Entahlah, hidup berpindah-pindah membuatku sedikit imun dengan rasa sakit. Adakalanya bau, warna atau tempat membuatku teringat dengan seseorang. Kenangan yang sampai kapanpun akan menyengat. Tapi hubungan dengan seseorang tak pernah benar-benar hanya tentang aku; ada dia dan hidupnya yang tak hanya tentang aku. Patah hati adalah sal…

Warung Kopi

Sebuah warung kopi dengan ornamen Belanda. Lagu zaman dulu terdengar sayup. Suasana remang. Seorang pria dengan kopi dingin tampak sedang gelisah. Matanya lekat menatap pintu masuk sembari sesekali melihat jam di telepon genggamnya. Raut wajahnya seketika berubah ketika melihat sang gadis masuk. Wajah cemasnya berubah cerah. Ia tersenyum. Sang gadis tersenyum. Mereka bercengkrama sampai pramusaji menanyakan pesanan sang gadis.

"Saya pesan kopi yang paling manis," ujar sang gadis kepada pramusaji. Obrolan pria dan sang gadis terusik. Sang gadis tak tahu harus berkata apa. Ia memang tak suka bercerita, biasanya ia berhasil menghindari kewajiban untuk berkata-kata dengan mengajukan banyak pertanyaan. Dan orang akan mengartikan pertanyaan dengan perhatian. Padahal ia memang lebih senang diam. Sang gadis bermain dengan kertas di hadapannya. Potongan kertas dari bungkus sedotan. Beragam pikiran melintas benaknya tapi ia biarkan mereka tetap di tempatnya. Pria bercerita.

Jam demi j…

Ikra

Sejak pertemuan dengan Rangga dan Kinanti, Kemala tampak menjaga jarak. Ia masih menjawab semua pesan-pesannya, namun jawaban itu lebih terdengar sopan alih-alih hangat. Haruskah ia mengkonfrontasi Kemala mengenai hubungannya dengan Rangga? Tapi kalaupun Kemala mengakui hubungan mereka, lalu apa? Marah, kecewa, cemburu? Kemungkinan terakhir membuatnya tak nyaman. Bagaimana mungkin ia bersaing dengan bayangan?

Salah satu yang membuatnya tertarik dengan Kemala adalah kontradiksi. Tapi ketika ia menjadi bagian dari kontradiksi itu ia merasa tak siap. Ia tak biasa dengan sisi kelam ini. Sunyi yang membentang antara ia dan Kemala, membuat Ikra bertanya-tanya kemana hubungan mereka akan bermuara. Ia bisa saja bertanya, tapi ia takut untuk mendengar jawabannya.

Kemala

“Kau tahu apa yang menyebalkan dari semuanya ini? Dunia tampak tak sama lagi. Sunyi tampak terlalu hening, sendiri terasa sepi. Hal yang dulunya biasa kini tampak asing. Seolah-olah kau kehilangan kesetimbangan hanya karena tak mendengar kabar darinya.”

“Tapi kau selalu bisa menyapa duluan bukan?”

“Tentu saja, tapi aku tidak tahu kemana semua ini aku berakhir. Aku takut kalau aku jatuh terlalu dalam aku tak bisa pulih atau setidaknya, tidak dalam waktu singkat. Sekarang saja aku merasa kesetimbanganku telah kacau. Aku tidak yakin aku mau membuat kesetimbangan baru untuk sesuatu yang tidak pasti dan ditentang oleh banyak orang.”

“Always trying to please others are not you?”

“There are moments when I thought I can handle this, that our feelings are the most important thing. We will manage somehow. But with everyone else saying the opposite, it is difficult to keep the positive vibe.”

“So what are you going to say to Ikra?”

“Aku tidak tahu. The good thing about him is that he can see rig…

Bercerita

Tampaknya aku mulai kehilangan kemampuan bercerita dengan sederhana. Tentang orang-orang yang aku temui di jalan ataupun hal-hal yang membuatku senang. Jadi sekarang aku akan mencoba untuk memulai lagi. Pagi ini aku memutuskan untuk bekerja di rumah. Hal yang aku suka dari bekerja di rumah adalah aku bebas mengenakan baju apa dan memasang musik. Belum juga lama membaca paper yang harus aku review, aku mulai merasa bosan. Pergi ke pasar tampaknya jauh lebih menarik dibandingkan duduk menghadapi layar monitor.

Aku kayuh sepedaku yang reyot ke pasar. Beberapa pedagang tampak sudah bersiap-siap pulang. Tapi pedagang buah dan bunga tampak masih lengkap hingga batas akhir yang ditentukan. Ketika tengah melihat-lihat buah, seorang pedagang menawarkan strawberi padaku. Satu strawberi gratis berganti menjadi dua keranjang strawberi padahal awalnya hendak membeli strawberi dan jeruk. Aku melanjutkan perjalan ke pedagang bunga. Dari Sabtu lalu, aku bimbang antara memilih bunga tulip atau peoni. …

Gypsy

You know your gypsy life is over when ...
You start to attach to someone
You forget the meaning of substitution since right only has one face
Your day would be incomplete without knowing he is alright

Rapuh

"Kau tampak tidak bahagia ..." "Aku merasa rapuh. Aku menyukainya, mungkin sedikit terlalu dalam dan aku tidak tahu kemana ini akan bermuara." "Apa menurutmu dia menyukaimu?" "There were moments when he just looked at me for couple of seconds and then smile. I am not worried about his feelings, I am more worried about him and I. Aku tidak pernah menyapa seseorang terlebih dahulu pasca pertemuan pertama, aku tidak pernah menyatakan perasaanku duluan dan aku tidak biasa dengan segala inisiatif untuk mengajaknya untuk bertemu. Semua ini menghabiskan energiku karena aku tidak biasa mengejar. It's out of my character. Di sisi lain, mendengar kabarnya atau melihat wajahnya membuatku bahagia. Kontradiksi ini membuatku merasa rapuh." "Jadi apa yang kamu inginkan?" "Antara memutuskan hubungan dan memberi tenggat." "Kabur seperti biasa?" "Aku tidak tahu ... aku ingin ini bisa berlanjut tapi kondisi tampak tidak berpi…

Kenangan

"Re, kamu tahu kenangan apa yang paling susah dilupakan?"
"Apa La?"
"Kenangan yang memiliki rupa dan meresap ke segala indra kita."
"Masa sih La, bukankah kenangan itu satu dimensi? Kau bisa mengingat kisah di buku sejelas kamu mengingat percakapan kita."
"Tapi itu dia masalahnya Re, kenangan yang memiliki rupa dan indra meresap lebih dalam. Aku masih belum bisa melupakan saat dia datang ke rumah dan kita shalat berdua. Dia jadi imamku. Semua terasa benar pada saat itu."
"Kamu lagi ingin menyakiti diri sendiri La?"
"Aku tidak tahu, Re. Aku tidak tahu ..."

Up in the Air

"... your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. Do you feel the straps cutting into your shoulders? All those negotiations and arguments, and secrets and compromises. You don't need to carry all that weight. Why don't you set that bag down? Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime - star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those animals. The slower we move, the faster we die. We are not swans. We're sharks." (Up in the Air)

In a way, I find some resemblances with the life of Ryan Bingham, the one who presented the words above in a seminar. I've been moving a lot in the last coupes of year and despite the experience, sometimes, I feel like I am loosing a home. I lost one when my grandma past away and since then nowhere seems to be right. I am still experimenting with the type job I want and I want to get married but question about how to settle a permanent job or who to marry is still a big qu…

Fear

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown” ― H.P. Lovecraft, Supernatural Horror in Literature How many dates does it take to be sure? I do not know whether this relation is progressing. I do not know whether we are friends or more. There was never an us in our conversation. It's always about him and I.

Past

Dear past,
I thought several years are enough to change him into someone foreign for me. But I could not be more wrong. We talked like the old time ... Maybe things will be easier if we have a history together. There would be no grey. But we never cross the friend line and I do not know why. So when he accompanied me around it just felt like the years never passed by.

Carpe Diem

noun car·pe di·em \ˈkär-pe-ˈdē-ˌem, -ˈdī-, -əm\
Definition : the enjoyment of the pleasures of the moment without concern for the future
(Merriam-Webster.com)

"Are you serious with him?"
"Of course."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I do not know."
"What do you mean you do not know."
"Well, I am kind of seize the day, you know. I like him. I am happy when I see him. Why should I bother about anything else?"
"Are you trying to fool yourself?"
"Maybe."

Indie Music

A friend of mine introduced me to indie music. So here is the latest addition to my playing list after Payung Teduh, Banda Neira and Float, Bubugiri. Probably, what I like the most from these indie musicians is their lyrics. You cannot go wrong with terms senja, semesta or sepi.

You said that Im guilty but I said its you
You said you go red and I go with blue
We’re loosing our mind

So much wasting our time
While we knew All we got to do is brave and kind
Oh baby come and sit down here next to me
Let’s talk about it nice and easy Its not about you, its not about me
Its about love, that live inside us
The story of you and me as we

What about love, what about us 
Should we just give it up and walk away
Can hardly find any reason to stay
But what about friendship that makes the best of you and me

What about chemistry, what about history
What about love, what about us
We wouldn’t listen when we’re eager to speak
When we speak out loud, we hear nothing at all

Well I know that I’m not always right
Sometimes …

(500) Days of Summer

"Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just, I need some consistency."
"I know."
"I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently."
"And I can't give you that. Nobody can."
(Dialog between Tom and Summer in 500 Days of Summer)

Entah kenapa aku tidak bisa membenci Summer Fin. Mungkin karena polah Summer di 500 Days of Summer terasa sangat masuk akal buatku. Keputusan-keputusan Summer bukan tentang anti-komitmen ataupun anti-keterikatan tapi tentang rasa. Buatku anti-klimaks film itu terjadi ketika Summer dan Tom bertemu lagi di bangku taman kota, Summer dengan cincin di jari manisnya:

Tom: It's amazing to me. You're married.
Summer: I know.
Tom: You're not only someone's girlfriend, your someone's wife!
Summer: Pretty crazy, huh?
Tom (sigh): I'll never understand that.
Summer: Tom --
Tom: What's different now? How cou…

Bimbang

Aku : Aku menyukainya ...
Dia : Tapi ...
Aku : Kenapa harus ada tapi?
Dia : Karena wajahmu sendu ketika mengucapkannya dan itu berarti kau tidak menyukai fakta bahwa kau menyukainya.
Aku : Entahlah, aku bimbang. Tiap kali bertemu dengannya aku merasakan kupu-kupu di perutku tapi aku tidak bisa membayangkan masa depan bersama dengannya.
Dia : Karena ...
Aku : Mungkin karena aku tidak suka dengan hubungan jarak jauh, mungkin karena aku harus selalu berusaha untuk menebak-nebak apa yang diinginkannya atau mungkin karena aku bosan dalam ketidakjelasan.
Dia : Tapi kau sendiri yang bilang dengan bertanya kau jadi lebih memiliki suara.
Aku : Kau benar tapi seperti yang kau tahu, bertanya tak pernah menjadi kekuatanku. Aku merasa aku harus berubah terlalu banyak dan itu menghabiskan energiku.
Dia : Kau ingin seseorang yang bisa membaca pikirinmu ...
Aku : Kau tahu kan lingkunganku ...
Dia : Dan kau mau selamanya dimanja?
Aku : Entahlah. Aku merasa disatu sisi aku mandiri, kemandirian itu memb…

Tango

It takes two to tango ...

Hal yang menyenangkan (atau menyebalkan) dari sebuah relasi adalah kau tak pernah bisa sepenuhnya yakin. Kalau mulanya kau bisa bahagia dengan caramu sendiri, sekarang sebagian kebahagianmu ada pada orang lain. Kau akan cemas kalau tak mendengar kabar darinya, kau ingin tahu apakah dia sudah makan, segala hal tentang dirinya menjadi semestamu yang baru. Ironisnya, kompleksitas itu hanya setengah keping dari apa yang disebut relasi.

Kau bisa berusaha dan tetap berantakan. Tarian memerlukan gerak dari kedua belah pihak. Gerakan ritmis yang membuatmu bisa seiring sejalan. Kadang cepat, kadang perlahan. Kau bisa mendominasi, tapi mungkin kau akan berakhir menyakiti. Kau bisa acuh, tapi mungkin dia akan menjauh.

Rindu

Kala sepi tak lagi indah
Sunyi membawa gundah
Angan berkelana ke dunia antah berantah
Meninggalkan logika dalam resah

Kenapa rindu seperti candu
Apa biasa sama dengan suka
Semesta diam membisu
Membiarkan aku mereka tanda

Tentang Rasa

Aku tak punya kuasa atas perasaanmu padaku ... Kau berhak atas segala rasa yang melintas dalam hatimu. Namun ketika rasa melibatkan relasi dan kebahagiaanmu bergantung pada relasi itu, rasa tak lagi sederhana.

Aku tak bisa melarang perasaanmu padaku ... Tapi sebagaimana dirimu, aku juga punya rasa. Kita adalah teman dan aku peduli padamu. Ketika kau mendesak pada saat aku sudah berkata tidak, kau menyakitiku. Padahal aku kira kau menyayangiku.

Ironi

"Menjalin hubungan denganmu seperti berada dalam permainan Minisweeper ..."
"Kenapa?"
"Apapun yang aku lakukan tampaknya berpotensi memicu ledakan. Aku bisa melakukan kalkulasi-kalkulasi tapi akhirnya semua tergantung pada keberuntungan. Tak ada yang pasti denganmu ..."
"Tapi hidup ini adalah himpunan ketidakpastian ... Kenapa kamu menolak yang satu ini?"
"Mungkin karena aku lelah menebak-nebak kapan kamu akan bosan denganku."
"Ouch, itu menyakitkan."
"Tapi benar?"
"Tidak ... tidak tahu. Aku merasa aku harus selalu menunjukan perasaanku padamu. Mungkin kamu benar, mungkin akan ada saatnya aku akan bosan. Tapi bukan karena aku tidak serius, tapi karena aku lelah menebak-nebak pikiranmu. Aku tahu kamu peduli tapi kadang kamu menerjemahkannya dengan begitu rumit hingga aku tersesat."
"Aku gamang dengan keberlanjutan hubungan ini dan kau yang bahkan tak yakin kalau hubungan ini ada."

Right

If being with you allows me to be rationale
Then reducing the dose of you
Is the right thing to do

Menjadi Dewasa

... rasanya mengerikan. Menghadapi masalah, alih-alih melarikan diri. Aku benci mengambil keputusan yang aku tahu akan membuat seseorang sedih tapi harus aku lakukan. Aku benci perasaan menyengat itu. Di sisi lain, aku merasa lega karena semua jadi jelas. Aku tahu ini yang terbaik, tapi kenyataan itu tetap saja tidak membuat semuanya lebih mudah.
Mungkin aku harus lebih membiasakan diri dengan konflik. Membuat keputusan-keputusan yang tidak populer untuk sesuatu yang benar. 
Entahlah, kadang aku malas beranjak dari zona nyaman dimana orang-orang menawarkan diri untuk melakukan hal-hal yang tidak aku sukai. Tapi seperti yang dosenku pernah bilang, 'dia melakukan hal-hal kecil untukku, karena dosennya melakukan hal yang sama.' 
Mungkin ini saatnya untuk melanjutkan tongkat estafet itu ...

Perfection

Cannot ask for a better one
Since perfection is you

Single

... between being polite and not creating expectation
... about saying I am not interested without hurting the other side

I am flattered

But I do not share the same feeling as you
and I do not know what to do


Ikra

Kemala adalah enigma. Kadang Ikra berpikir ia telah mengerti segalanya tentang Kemala. Ekspresi Kemala transparan ketika ia sedang bimbang ataupun bahagia. Tanpa perlu berkata-kata, Ikra bisa tahu apa yang ada dalam benak Kemala. Namun kadang ia tak yakin apakah ekspresi memiliki arti lebih dalam dari apa yang tampak. Seperti saat makan siang dengan Rangga dan Kinan. Untuk sesaat ia seperti melihat Kemala yang belum pernah dikenalnya. Mata yang menggelap sebelum ia kembali tersenyum ramah. Sepersekian detik yang membuat ia yakin bahwa Kemala dan Rangga tak pernah benar-benar menjadi teman baik. Yang ironis adalah ia bisa dengan mudah membayangkan Kemala dan Rangga bersama. Bayangan yang segera membangkitkan perasaan tak nyaman. Ia cemburu pada masa lalu. Bagian hidup Kemala yang ia pilih untuk tidak tahu.

Kemala

Hanya perlu sebuah lagu untuk membuka episode itu kembali. Episode yang ia kira telah berhasil ia lalui dengan baik. Tapi ia tak bisa lebih salah lagi. Tanpa bisa ia cegah, Kemala teringat episode saat ia dan Rangga masih bersama. Hal yang menyebalkan dari terlalu lama bersama adalah kau jadi terlalu terbiasa dengan segala hal tentang dia. Dalam kenangan, Rangga tampak sempurna. Tapi itu tak mungkin benar bukan? Kalau iya, mereka masih akan bersama.
Damn you, radio!

Game

Being in a game
Without knowing how to move to the next level
You either get bored or you find a way
To move forward

Closure

Will it be better if we meet
To see whether your feeling is still the same
To be able to continue your life
Without me as part

Entangled Memories

The day for me to return to the Netherlands is approaching. And I have mixed feelings. A bit of nervous, a bit of longing and a bit of fear that I will have to adjust everything again once I return to Indonesia. There are too many people and things that I love there. I am not good at saying goodbyes and I do not think I will ever be good. So here I am listening to Charli XCX's music since it was taken in Amsterdam. Looking at the city gives me a nostalgic feeling, the smell, the streets and the memories. I do not know what I love the most. Maybe it's the people, maybe it's the certainty, maybe it's the city or maybe for unknown reason, it's the way the country made me feel safe.

Dia

Aku tahu membandingkan satu orang dengan lainnya adalah kejam. Bagaimana mungkin sejarah seseorang yang berbeda direduksi menjadi sederet variabel yang sama. Tiap orang unik.  Titik.  Peduli tak harus merupa dalam wajah yang seragam. Namun tatkala yang lain memberi kepastian,  salahkah aku kalau menginginkan hal yang sama dari dia?

Kemala

"Hi Rangga, sini," ujar Ikra ketika ia melihat Rangga melintas.
"Kemala, kenalkan ini Rangga, teman baik saya sejak belasan tahun silam. Dan istrinya Kinanti."
"Hallo, Mala. Senang bertemu lagi dengan kamu. Apa kabar?" sapa Kinan.
"Wah, kalian sudah saling mengenal. Dunia ini kecil," ujar Ikra sambil tersenyum tanpa memperhatikan raut wajah Kemala dan Rangga yang berubah.
"Kalian teman dimana?" tanya Ikra pada Kinan.
"Kemala teman baik Rangga saat kuliah," jawab Kinan.

Teman baik. Kemala tak tahu apakah kedua kata itu pernah ada didalam kehidupannya dan Rangga. Mereka berkenalan melalui teman bersama dan sejak itu hubungan mereka tak terdefinisi. Perasaan Kemala terlalu terikat pada Rangga, pun sebaliknya. Kalau tidak makan siang bersama di kampus, mereka akan saling bertukar sapa melalui telepon semalaman. Ketika semuanya berakhir, mereka memutuskan untuk menghilang bagi satu sama lain. Saat itu ia masing sangat sayang pada …

Falling

Smiling with no particular reason Blushing when someone caught me in action And missing him Badly
I am not sure about myself anymore And it scared the hell out of me

Pergilah Ke Mana Hati Membawamu

Berdiam dirilah, tetap hening, dan dengarkanlah hatimu.
Lalu ketika hati itu bicara, beranjaklah,
Dan pergilah kemana hati membawamu …
(Susanna Tamaro, Pergilah Ke Mana Hati Membawamu)

Platonic vs Romantic

There are people who you know you can reconnect despite their absence for years. Somehow taking up where you left off seems as natural as breathing. All the years vanish when your life intersect with them again. When that happen your troubles become irrelevant, you know your going to be okay since you know that your not alone.

Yesterday was one of those days. Our random conversation ended with me agreeing to do a talk for him. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am wondering whether he still passionate about what he does or reality has hit him hard and more importantly, whether he is okay. I think what makes a re-connection works is the absence of romantic feeling. It is impossible to have casual things when you have romantic feeling for the other person. So probably, I should change my hypothesis on man and woman cannot have a platonic relation (or they may have platonic relation as long as one of them has a crush on someone else).

After All

I like you too much
After too little time
I hold back my heart's crazy rambling
The fear that I should overwhelm your smile
Frightens the spiders inside me
(Sondre Lerche, After All)

Dreams

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.  "Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer." (2.515-16 Al-Chemist, Coelho)

Kemala

Ia pertama kali bertemu Ikra setahun silam. Saat itu ia harus menggantikan bos-nya menghadiri acara perayaan yang dibuat salah satu klien mereka. Di sana ia melihat Ikra dengan cemerlang menjelaskan aplikasi baru mengenai konsep kota cerdas yang memungkinkan pemerintah dan warga kota untuk berpartisipasi dalam merancang kota. Namun dari semua gemerlap itu, ia tertarik dengan cara Ikra berdiri ketika foto bersama. Ia tampak seolah tak ingin berada di sana dan jengah dengan segala perhatian itu. Kemala tahu rasa penasarannya tak pernah berakhir dengan baik, tapi ia ingin tahu.
"Selamat, presentasinya tadi menarik sekali," sapa Kemala ketika mereka berpapasan.
"Terima kasih," masih tampak tidak nyaman dengan perhatian.
"Anda terlihat seperti kontradiksi."
"Maaf, apa?"
"Presentasi Anda terlihat sangat mengagumkan. Tapi saat foto bersama Anda tampak tidak nyaman."
"Ah, tentang itu. Saya kira saya sudah berhasil menutupinya dengan baik,…

In/stability

"Up to a certain degree of instability chances for breakthrough increase, but that they start to decrease again with further increasing instability" (Raven, 2005:271) Currently I have a weak anti-body. Being stressed out about finishing PhD and making decision about what I am going to do with my life. The situation creates a window of opportunity for others to enter my solitude life: a breakthrough. But without any certainty, it start to decrease again. So probably it is time to leave Dr. Seuss's words of wisdom:
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” Maybe it is time to face the reality and not being so vague about it.

Probability

"When you tell grown-ups that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, “What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?” Instead, they demand: “How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?” Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him." (The Little Prince, Saint-Exupery) 
As a grown-up, probably I should care about numbers; about increasing the probability. But whenever someone else approaches and I start to response, I feel like I am betraying him. So here I am, being this uncool person who starts to ask questions like 'what are you doing' and 'have you eaten yet?'

Totally uncool Yuti, totally uncool!!

Falling

"It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want." (Philips, 2013)  If falling is about creating a rite, will a random person do the trick?

Vampire

Should I let you in?

Dia

Biarkan semua mengalir saja Membuka hati untuk segala kemungkingan yang ada Tak tahu kemana semua ini bermuara

Man & Woman

M : Do you like me?

W : I do not know you. I do know your writings though. And I like it.

M : So you like my writings but you do not like me?

W : I may like you if I know you as I know your writings. But then again, writing is like creating worlds. You can have many personalities in those worlds and you can still be you, the author. That's the reason why I may like your writings but dislike you as a person.

M : Do you want to know me?

W : This is quite a paradox. I like mysteries and since I do not know you very well, you are kind of a mystery for me. Once I know you, I may not like you anymore and our interactions may come to an end.

M : Is knowing similar with liking?

W : There is a possibility that knowing may end up with disliking. So the answer for your question is no. Although there is also a possibility to have the contrary result. I never manage to have a close male friend though. It always starts with a group, then one becomes closer than the others and the friendship is …

Ikra

"Hi, maaf saya telat. Sudah lama menunggu?"
"Ngga kok. Saya yang datang terlalu cepat."
"Oh ...," balas Kemala sambil menarik kursi dan meletakkan tas kantornya
"Langsung dari kantor?" tanya Ikra saat Kemala sudah duduk.
"Iya, kelihatan sekali dari bawaan saya ya?" jawab Kemala sambil tersenyum.
"Ngga, tapi karena kamu belum membalas pesan saya dari tadi siang. Biasanya itu terjadi kalau kamu lagi tenggelam dalam dunia arsitekmu."
"Iya, tadi sesorean rapat untuk mempersiapkan proposal baru. Mau cerita apa atau perlu saya baca sekarang?" tanya Kemala sembari mengerlingkan matanya.
Ikra tahu ia takkan bisa marah dengan tatapan itu. "Puisi saya akan dijadikan lagu."
"Selamat ya Kra. Saya sangat senang untuk kamu," sambil meremas tangan Ikra. "Jadi kita akan pesan apa untuk merayakan?"
"Apapun yang kamu mau."
"Yeay."

Dulu ia sangat ahli dengan melakukan segala sesuatunya…

Maybe

I am in love with the idea of love
Of having someone to fill in the blank space
So when we finally met
And things got uncomfortable
It was easier to runaway
To pretend all the texts do not exist
To erase you from my system
And to return to the thing I know best: solitude

Maybe ...
I am living in the fox's world
Where one can enter once they tame me
Or in the world of Arabian Night
Where relation is built on curiosity
Of being attached through riddles and mysteries




Falling

When all bets are off

Poison

Almost a day without a message from you
And I miss you
Badly

God, what did I put myself into?